I saw some horrible comments on a marriage forum the other day that was directed at a woman who was married, had no kids, and was a homemaker. First, it made me mad, then it made me think. So what really defines a homemaker? And why so much stigma surrounding being a homemaker without kids?
The simple definition of a homemaker from Merriam-Webster is, “a person, especially a housewife, who manages a home”. There is no mention of children in that definition. So why do so many people think that if you don’t have children you can’t or shouldn’t be a homemaker?
Being a Homemaker Without Kids
There are many reasons a woman would find herself as a homemaker without children. Some are just starting out their married life and are waiting to have children until they are better established. Like me, some have raised their children and are now empty-nesters. Or some find that they either don’t want or can’t have children. None of these situations warrants judgment from others. But for reasons unknown to us homemakers we still get it.
I myself was asked after my daughter left home if I was going to return to work now that I had no reason to stay home. Wait. What? It actually made me doubt my chosen life. Which is sad because honestly it was nobody’s business but mine and Aaron’s.
Why Do People Shame Homemakers Without Kids?
The natural explanation that many jump to is jealousy. With the majority of women in the workforce now, this could be a justifiable reason for all the hate. But I really don’t think that’s the whole story. Yes, some women may look at a homemaker without kids and think, “Wow, she gets to do what she wants all day and doesn’t have to work her butt off”. Which for one thing is usually not true and secondly is just plain ignorant.
The other reason, which I think is much more likely, is that our culture places a lot of value on employment. Which in many ways there is nothing wrong with that, but honestly we should be focusing more on the freedom to choose the life we want.
Many people see homemakers as lazy women or gold diggers. And yes, there are some women out there who are like that. But the majority of homemakers feel they are best suited to provide a lovely home and place of refuge from the world for their husbands and themselves. It’s not any different than if you thought you were really good at math, so you want to be an accountant. It truly is a blessing that we live in a country that allows us as women to choose whatever life we want. And a woman’s choice to be a homemaker is no different than another woman’s choice to have a career.
The Role of a Homemaker
There are many reasons a woman may choose to be a homemaker even if she has no children in the home. And there are many tasks and skills she is good at and enjoys as a homemaker. I have given some examples in my previous article, “How to Survive as a Traditional Homemaker in the Age of Third Wave Feminism“. But I feel I should define it in terms of homemakers without kids.
A Few of the Tasks a Homemaker Does
Creates a home environment that acts as a sanctuary away from the rest of the world
She keeps the house clean and tidy for not only her husband and herself. But to create a place of hospitality for visiting friends and family
Sometimes manages the finances (this usually comes down to who in the couple is better suited to do this.)
Manages appointments and schedules
Sometimes works from home to supplement her husband’s income
She may do volunteer work for her church or the community
Sets up a meal plan and grocery lists
Handles the task of stocking the pantry with healthy foods whether that is from the grocery store or food she has preserved from her garden.
Sometimes she is the one to tend a garden and take care of the couple’s animals
Hosts holiday meals
Makes sure that the home has all of the necessities for comfort and efficiency
And yes, provides time and effort for her and her husband’s love life
Many would say that women who work outside of the home do all these things as well. But as someone who has worked outside of the home, I can attest to the fact that our home was rarely as clean or organized at the time. I always felt like I was performing a balancing act that left me less efficient in all areas of my life. And Aaron felt me being home was worth losing my paycheck for that comfort.
Our Choice
Ultimately it is not up to anyone else how we choose to live our life. The choice to be a homemaker is something that a couple discusses and decides if that is what they want for their marriage. It should be a decision decided upon by both. And that decision is solely between them and no one else. It doesn’t matter if they have children or not. You should never feel ashamed of being a homemaker. And those that shame you are not worth your time.
And to those that say a homemaker without kids does not contribute to society. I would say she contributes just as much as anyone else. If she has a happy marriage and home life, she lives by example. She cares for her husband and sends a happier spouse out into the world every day. She provides a place of hospitality to their friends and family. And isn’t that something the world needs more of? People thriving in their marriage, growing in their faith, and putting more positivity in the world?
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Thank you for this! I’m a childless woman who has been a homemaker for 15 years after leaving a high-stress career. I’ve never been happier, and my being home means my husband is able to relax after work and on weekends instead of doing chores and running errands.
I love my life as a homemaker, and I really believe it has made my marriage happier and healthier. What a blessing for you and your hubby to have that better quality of life. 🙂
Thank you for this! I learned the hard way. I have been a stay at home homemaker for 31 years. After my youngest graduated and my two older children were living on the other side of the country, I suddenly felt LOST! I lost my sense of purpose. I begged my husband to let me “go back to school”. After a lot of begging he relented. Oh boy, did I get high fives and congratulations from so many people. Good for you, it’s about time, you’re doing something for you! I never received such encouragement for staying home and raising three children while my husband was working out of town. After two semesters I was so miserable! I missed my animals, my house, my housework, my cooking, everything. My husband felt the same way. One day he said, I miss our old life, I wish you would just quit school and come back home. So I did, mid-semester. Best decision of my life! The grass was not greener on that side of the fence. I quit school in October. I don’t know if I’ll ever get my house back to the way it was before (clean and organized) but I sure am happy to be back home trying. I am a homemaker. Home is where I belong.
Thank you for sharing this Susan. It’s so hard because we are pressured by others and it gets to be so much that we feel ashamed and start to believe they might be right. But they absolutely don’t know what’s best for us and our families. I hope I can help other young women not make the mistake that I did. Maybe your story will too! I’m still paying off student loans for a career I didn’t want.
Good for you!! So tired of this culture of a housewife being a lesser-than job and that you must be lazy if that’s what you want. It’s just if your an intelligent person you are told you are wasting your talents being a farmer.
Great comment! Being a farmer is such an important job too!! Where do people think their dang food comes from? And with everything my husband’s had to learn just to grow food on our small urban homestead being an intelligent farmer is how you get amazing food! And I can honestly say as a homemaker I’ve worked harder than some of the jobs I’ve had outside the home! 🙂
I am so comforted by this because I usually feel so alone! I am 52, college-educated, and my youngest of five children will be a senior in high school next year, so this is really staring me in the face. I love being a homemaker. Since I started a family before I had any sort of established career, and since I became a single parent with five small children and was, obviously, home with them, starting a job now would be like being a 52 year old entry level worker. And I don’t want that. I love being in charge of my own sphere and creating a warm, relaxing environment. Sometimes I feel like people think I’m living in lala land (as we are not financially secure) but my husband is supportive of me being home and hates how stressed I am the few times I’ve taken a job.
Marie, I’m glad my post gave you re-assurance! It can be difficult at times. Because people absolutely will judge you. But it’s really nobody’s business but yours and your husband’s! Barb
Hey, really nicr to read that I’m not alone out there in the no child homemaking universe. Is there a place online where homemakers with no children gather?
Hi Kim, I am so glad you enjoyed my article. There are many of us out there! I do not know of a place online that women like us meet. But you can join our facebook page for support. And there are many homemaking groups in general. Jami Balmet has a wonderful website at http://www.homemakingministries.com Thank you for your lovely comment and support! 🙂
Yes! Yes! Yes! Love what you wrote. I was a homemaker from the first day of my marriage and wouldn’t trade that time (before our first baby arrived about 15 months later) for anything in the world. Being a homemaker has nothing to do with children. I absolutely thrive in my role, and can’t speak highly enough of it – though very challenging it can be!! Almost 17 years, and looking forward to the next 50! Haha!
Alice, That’s so awesome! Thank you for the lovely comment! I wished I had found the resources I have now that would have made it possible to stay home with my daughter her whole childhood. Yes, it can be very challenging. But it is so worth it to know your family has you there for them. 🙂
I REALLY appreciated this post and am thankful to have come across it. You did a lovely job of encouraging your readers and reminding them to follow the path laid out for them, for us, not based on what outside influences think. I became a stay at home mom by necessity with my firstborn after months of bedrest, then I never wanted to go back! There was so much perceived criticism over the years, especially when we began homeschooling. It was so hard, and really shocked me. I wouldn’t tell a career friend that her life was “less than” even if I thought she’d be better off at home! My youngest graduated a few years ago and I tell you, I really agonized over perhaps leaving this homemaking life I love so much. It was my husband that said “If this is what WE decided, why do you feel pressure to suddenly get an outside job? That is not comign from me…if you still love this life, I sure am happy for you to be home too. If you want to work, I support that too”. I still feel guilty sometimes as we could really use the help financially, but I also have some significant and unpredictable health issues that would make it difficutl. Your words reminded me that it is more than okay to trust the path “I” am on and not be guilted by those who don’t matter
Thank you for your sweet comment! It is just that another choice. I am so glad you were able to give your family the best support by being a homemaker. Never feel guilty for your choice to be a homemaker, just like any other woman should not feel guilty if she is making the best decisions for her family. Thank you for being a voice for others to gain support from!
Thank you so much for sharing this post! My husband and I may not ever be able to have children but we are working toward paying down our debt so that I can be a homemaker- with our without kids! You hit on so many things close to my heart- being spread so thin you aren’t being successful at work or within your home, the deep desire and calling to be a strong support system for your husband, and being able to create a more faith-filled loving home. Thank you again!
Thank you so much Steph for your kind comment. It makes my heart happy to hear that I have helped you in some way. Being a homemaker is such a blessing. It’s so good to know there are woman out there who understand our struggles. We can definitely be a support to each other. You are so very welcome and I wish you all the blessings in the world.
Great article. I’m 59 and a stay at home wife. My children are grown and on their own. We do have four grandchildren and I help out with them wherever I’m needed. I’ve had well meaning friends tell me I should go back to work and my reply is why. I have a full time “job” at home that I love. I’m never bored. Besides my daily chores, I have hobbies I love. I’ve recently started volunteering for an organization that helps women who have been incarcerated, abused or addictions get back on their feet and become self sufficient. Once a month I spend a Wednesday afternoon at our church with my best friend and we prepare the evening meal for the congregation. I have a very full life and don’t feel I’m missing anything. When I was young and staying home with my kids occasionally someone would suggest I get a job to help with our income. I would tell them if I go to work the only one who will benefit from my income will be the daycare my three kids go to because that’s all I’ll be working for is to pay them. I can take care of them myself for free. They’re only little for such a brief time. I didn’t want someone else to have the joy of watching my kids take their first steps, start talking and all the other firsts in life. Those were mine to enjoy. I don’t have any regrets from staying home when my kids were little. I don’t have any regrets from being home now. I’m where God wants me.
Thank you so much Grace! Sounds lovely that you get to live the life you love! People don’t really ever understand that you can have a full life and be a homemaker. So awesome that you get to look back on your life when you had kids at home with no regrets. Are children need us and I think that gets forgotten in today’s culture. Thanks again for your lovely comment. God bless!
This is awesome!! I have been a homemaker since 1992. Five grown kids later I began to wonder what my purpose was. I realized my purpose didn’t change, I am still a homemaker, just no longer raising my kids. Thanks for a great read!
Thank you so much for your sweet comment! I had the same identity crisis when my daughter moved out. I guess that’s what inspired me to write that post. I wanted to help other homemakers realize you are not bound by other’s ideas of how to live your life. 🙂
Thank you so much! I needed this today. For years, I’ve had friends (and some relatives) tell me “You don’t have a job?” “You just stay home? but you don’t have kids!” “Aren’t you bored?” I love staying home, doing house work, cooking and baking, keeping everything at home clean and organized. I was feeling down today, told my husband about how I felt and he’s right, they’re rude and I shouldn’t think too much of what other people think of me, and I need to drop some friends🤣
You’re so very welcome! It’s really hard to not take it personally. But like I said, it’s nobody’s business but yours and your husbands. 🙂 Stay strong and know that you have an important job being a homemaker.
I’ve done it all backwards: I wanted to be a homemaker from the very beginning, but felt obligated to work in the family business as well as feeling like we needed the income. I looked forward to the children arriving to give me the excuse to quit and be a SAHM. Nope. Our only daughter finally arrived after many years delay and struggle and I was only able to go part-time when she was born. When she started middle school, we were in a car accident that forced me to finally leave work because of health issues, so the dreadful irony is that I am finally a SAHM now that my daughter is a teenager and even so, I find it difficult to do the job the way I always envisioned I would because I have many days where I am simply unable to accomplish anything, much less chip away at the years of clutter and disorganization accumulated while I was working and unable to manage more than the bare minimum of homemaking. I desperately want to provide my family that pleasant refuge to come away from the world to each evening, but many evenings, my poor husband must pitch in on chores I was simply unable to attempt during the day. So frustrating!
Thanks so much for your comment. It’s a perspective I’m sure others can relate to. Sorry it took me so long to respond (we were in the middle of moving across the country). I am so sorry you had to go through such a stressful situation. But you should never feel like a failure or that you are not doing enough. It sounds like you have an amazing husband! The one thing we all need to remember is that not all of us homemakers are going to have the exact same situation. Do what you are capable of doing and allow your family to help. Maybe have your daughter help with the cooking, (my daughter learned to bake better than me! She loved it.) The thing that really helped me was to know my limitations and always remember that my husband and I are a team working towards the same goal. As long as you maintain good communication with your spouse about where you might need some extra help you will be successful. Just remember to take one day at a time. I have depression and some days it takes an act of congress to get me to want to clean, but I just tackle one small task and that tends to get me on a roll. Keep your chin up, the most important thing is making sure your family knows they are the most important thing in the world, the dishes can wait some days! 🙂
Great post!
Thanks Mel! 🙂
A really great post!
Thank you so much! I felt like it had to be said. 🙂
Thank you for this! I’m a childless woman who has been a homemaker for 15 years after leaving a high-stress career. I’ve never been happier, and my being home means my husband is able to relax after work and on weekends instead of doing chores and running errands.
I love my life as a homemaker, and I really believe it has made my marriage happier and healthier. What a blessing for you and your hubby to have that better quality of life. 🙂
Thank you for this! I learned the hard way. I have been a stay at home homemaker for 31 years. After my youngest graduated and my two older children were living on the other side of the country, I suddenly felt LOST! I lost my sense of purpose. I begged my husband to let me “go back to school”. After a lot of begging he relented. Oh boy, did I get high fives and congratulations from so many people. Good for you, it’s about time, you’re doing something for you! I never received such encouragement for staying home and raising three children while my husband was working out of town. After two semesters I was so miserable! I missed my animals, my house, my housework, my cooking, everything. My husband felt the same way. One day he said, I miss our old life, I wish you would just quit school and come back home. So I did, mid-semester. Best decision of my life! The grass was not greener on that side of the fence. I quit school in October. I don’t know if I’ll ever get my house back to the way it was before (clean and organized) but I sure am happy to be back home trying. I am a homemaker. Home is where I belong.
Thank you for sharing this Susan. It’s so hard because we are pressured by others and it gets to be so much that we feel ashamed and start to believe they might be right. But they absolutely don’t know what’s best for us and our families. I hope I can help other young women not make the mistake that I did. Maybe your story will too! I’m still paying off student loans for a career I didn’t want.
Good for you!! So tired of this culture of a housewife being a lesser-than job and that you must be lazy if that’s what you want. It’s just if your an intelligent person you are told you are wasting your talents being a farmer.
Great comment! Being a farmer is such an important job too!! Where do people think their dang food comes from? And with everything my husband’s had to learn just to grow food on our small urban homestead being an intelligent farmer is how you get amazing food! And I can honestly say as a homemaker I’ve worked harder than some of the jobs I’ve had outside the home! 🙂
I am so comforted by this because I usually feel so alone! I am 52, college-educated, and my youngest of five children will be a senior in high school next year, so this is really staring me in the face. I love being a homemaker. Since I started a family before I had any sort of established career, and since I became a single parent with five small children and was, obviously, home with them, starting a job now would be like being a 52 year old entry level worker. And I don’t want that. I love being in charge of my own sphere and creating a warm, relaxing environment. Sometimes I feel like people think I’m living in lala land (as we are not financially secure) but my husband is supportive of me being home and hates how stressed I am the few times I’ve taken a job.
Marie,
I’m glad my post gave you re-assurance! It can be difficult at times. Because people absolutely will judge you. But it’s really nobody’s business but yours and your husband’s!
Barb
Hey, really nicr to read that I’m not alone out there in the no child homemaking universe. Is there a place online where homemakers with no children gather?
Hi Kim,
I am so glad you enjoyed my article. There are many of us out there! I do not know of a place online that women like us meet. But you can join our facebook page for support. And there are many homemaking groups in general. Jami Balmet has a wonderful website at http://www.homemakingministries.com Thank you for your lovely comment and support! 🙂
Yes! Yes! Yes! Love what you wrote. I was a homemaker from the first day of my marriage and wouldn’t trade that time (before our first baby arrived about 15 months later) for anything in the world. Being a homemaker has nothing to do with children. I absolutely thrive in my role, and can’t speak highly enough of it – though very challenging it can be!! Almost 17 years, and looking forward to the next 50! Haha!
Alice,
That’s so awesome! Thank you for the lovely comment! I wished I had found the resources I have now that would have made it possible to stay home with my daughter her whole childhood. Yes, it can be very challenging. But it is so worth it to know your family has you there for them. 🙂
I REALLY appreciated this post and am thankful to have come across it. You did a lovely job of encouraging your readers and reminding them to follow the path laid out for them, for us, not based on what outside influences think. I became a stay at home mom by necessity with my firstborn after months of bedrest, then I never wanted to go back! There was so much perceived criticism over the years, especially when we began homeschooling. It was so hard, and really shocked me. I wouldn’t tell a career friend that her life was “less than” even if I thought she’d be better off at home! My youngest graduated a few years ago and I tell you, I really agonized over perhaps leaving this homemaking life I love so much. It was my husband that said “If this is what WE decided, why do you feel pressure to suddenly get an outside job? That is not comign from me…if you still love this life, I sure am happy for you to be home too. If you want to work, I support that too”. I still feel guilty sometimes as we could really use the help financially, but I also have some significant and unpredictable health issues that would make it difficutl. Your words reminded me that it is more than okay to trust the path “I” am on and not be guilted by those who don’t matter
Thank you for your sweet comment! It is just that another choice. I am so glad you were able to give your family the best support by being a homemaker. Never feel guilty for your choice to be a homemaker, just like any other woman should not feel guilty if she is making the best decisions for her family. Thank you for being a voice for others to gain support from!
Thank you so much for sharing this post! My husband and I may not ever be able to have children but we are working toward paying down our debt so that I can be a homemaker- with our without kids! You hit on so many things close to my heart- being spread so thin you aren’t being successful at work or within your home, the deep desire and calling to be a strong support system for your husband, and being able to create a more faith-filled loving home. Thank you again!
Thank you so much Steph for your kind comment. It makes my heart happy to hear that I have helped you in some way. Being a homemaker is such a blessing. It’s so good to know there are woman out there who understand our struggles. We can definitely be a support to each other. You are so very welcome and I wish you all the blessings in the world.
Great article. I’m 59 and a stay at home wife. My children are grown and on their own. We do have four grandchildren and I help out with them wherever I’m needed. I’ve had well meaning friends tell me I should go back to work and my reply is why. I have a full time “job” at home that I love. I’m never bored. Besides my daily chores, I have hobbies I love. I’ve recently started volunteering for an organization that helps women who have been incarcerated, abused or addictions get back on their feet and become self sufficient. Once a month I spend a Wednesday afternoon at our church with my best friend and we prepare the evening meal for the congregation.
I have a very full life and don’t feel I’m missing anything.
When I was young and staying home with my kids occasionally someone would suggest I get a job to help with our income. I would tell them if I go to work the only one who will benefit from my income will be the daycare my three kids go to because that’s all I’ll be working for is to pay them. I can take care of them myself for free. They’re only little for such a brief time. I didn’t want someone else to have the joy of watching my kids take their first steps, start talking and all the other firsts in life. Those were mine to enjoy.
I don’t have any regrets from staying home when my kids were little. I don’t have any regrets from being home now. I’m where God wants me.
Thank you so much Grace! Sounds lovely that you get to live the life you love! People don’t really ever understand that you can have a full life and be a homemaker. So awesome that you get to look back on your life when you had kids at home with no regrets. Are children need us and I think that gets forgotten in today’s culture. Thanks again for your lovely comment. God bless!
This is awesome!! I have been a homemaker since 1992. Five grown kids later I began to wonder what my purpose was. I realized my purpose didn’t change, I am still a homemaker, just no longer raising my kids. Thanks for a great read!
Thank you so much for your sweet comment! I had the same identity crisis when my daughter moved out. I guess that’s what inspired me to write that post. I wanted to help other homemakers realize you are not bound by other’s ideas of how to live your life. 🙂
Thank you so much! I needed this today. For years, I’ve had friends (and some relatives) tell me “You don’t have a job?” “You just stay home? but you don’t have kids!” “Aren’t you bored?” I love staying home, doing house work, cooking and baking, keeping everything at home clean and organized. I was feeling down today, told my husband about how I felt and he’s right, they’re rude and I shouldn’t think too much of what other people think of me, and I need to drop some friends🤣
You’re so very welcome! It’s really hard to not take it personally. But like I said, it’s nobody’s business but yours and your husbands. 🙂 Stay strong and know that you have an important job being a homemaker.
I’ve done it all backwards: I wanted to be a homemaker from the very beginning, but felt obligated to work in the family business as well as feeling like we needed the income. I looked forward to the children arriving to give me the excuse to quit and be a SAHM. Nope. Our only daughter finally arrived after many years delay and struggle and I was only able to go part-time when she was born. When she started middle school, we were in a car accident that forced me to finally leave work because of health issues, so the dreadful irony is that I am finally a SAHM now that my daughter is a teenager and even so, I find it difficult to do the job the way I always envisioned I would because I have many days where I am simply unable to accomplish anything, much less chip away at the years of clutter and disorganization accumulated while I was working and unable to manage more than the bare minimum of homemaking. I desperately want to provide my family that pleasant refuge to come away from the world to each evening, but many evenings, my poor husband must pitch in on chores I was simply unable to attempt during the day. So frustrating!
Thanks so much for your comment. It’s a perspective I’m sure others can relate to. Sorry it took me so long to respond (we were in the middle of moving across the country). I am so sorry you had to go through such a stressful situation. But you should never feel like a failure or that you are not doing enough. It sounds like you have an amazing husband! The one thing we all need to remember is that not all of us homemakers are going to have the exact same situation. Do what you are capable of doing and allow your family to help. Maybe have your daughter help with the cooking, (my daughter learned to bake better than me! She loved it.) The thing that really helped me was to know my limitations and always remember that my husband and I are a team working towards the same goal. As long as you maintain good communication with your spouse about where you might need some extra help you will be successful. Just remember to take one day at a time. I have depression and some days it takes an act of congress to get me to want to clean, but I just tackle one small task and that tends to get me on a roll. Keep your chin up, the most important thing is making sure your family knows they are the most important thing in the world, the dishes can wait some days! 🙂