Want to know a secret I learned when I became Christian? You can enjoy sex and still be a good Christian woman, even if you’re single! I know, right?!? You’re probably thinking wait Barb, isn’t it considered a sin to have sex outside of marriage? Don’t worry, I’ll get to that. And I will give you many more honest answers about healthy sex for Christian women that I know you are dying to learn.
We seem to be caught in some crazy tug-of-war when it comes to attitudes about sex these days. If you’re Christian it seems almost harder to get straight answers about what is healthy and what is wrong. And what is considered normal for our current culture is not exactly your idea of healthy. But the other extreme, of living like a nun, isn’t right either. So what if you’re just a normal everyday girl who wants to enjoy sex and avoid sin? Where can we go to get answers to our burning questions about healthy sex for Christian women? Don’t worry I got the answers from reliable sources when I converted and I’m going to pass them on to you.
Misconceptions About Sex As a Christian
There are a lot of misconceptions about sex being passed around the Christian community. Although it does have a lot to do with centuries of puritanical belief and of course which denomination you ask. For clarification, I am coming at this topic with the view of a very centrist Christian. I am pretty old school in that to me the Bible is the ultimate last word in doctrine. But I also understand how to view doctrine through a modern lens. God wrote the Bible to help us no matter what the year. He knew as humans we constantly have the same issues, generation after generation. It is the human condition after all.
My fellow blogger Arabah Joy has an amazing series on all things sex and marriage for Christians. You should totally check it out!
Common Misconceptions
- Sex is wrong or dirty: Sex is only wrong or dirty when it is being abused. When it is used for violence, when the activities are not consensual (this can apply for married couples as well), or when the persons involved do not understand the responsibility of having sex. And ultimately when sex is not being valued as a gift from God to join on a deeper level with someone you are married to.
- Masturbation is a sin: It is a sin when you are abusing the activity, are in a sinful mental state (using pornography, imagining someone besides your spouse, etc…), or are using it in replace of sex with your spouse. This is a very contentious topic and I recommend praying about it and having an honest dialog with your spouse about it. Here is a great article as it pertains to widowhood. For single women, I feel this can be helpful to your physical health and also prepare you for marriage. (But this is my opinion. Once again prayer is important.)
- You can’t be kinky as a married couple: True, certain sex acts should be avoided as they can be unhealthy for the well-being of your marriage. It is important that couples understand that any activity should be safe and consensual. I recommend this article to help clarify this concept.
- Women aren’t meant to enjoy sex: This is such an antiquated idea. God gave us certain physical traits that are physically meant for sexual enjoyment (the g-spot & clitoris). He knew what he was doing to ensure both parties in the marriage were able to use sex to “become one flesh” not just for procreation. I will say that if sex is physically painful for you (after the first couple of times, of course) you should talk to your doctor. Sex should not be painful.
- You can’t overcome past sexual mistakes or a bad history: I have experience in this area literally. I was not a virgin when I got married. And I had a lot of baggage from having sex too young. You can overcome past mistakes if you have a loving and communicative spouse. If it is causing long term issues in your marriage I recommend discussing it with your pastor or a marriage counselor.
- Sex in marriage is always amazing: We change and grow over time so what was once fireworks might not be that way in 5 years or so. Our bodies change and as a woman gets older she may find it harder to get aroused. Not to mention the longer you are married, if you have kids, or if you have normal life stresses sex can sometimes seem less than perfect. The key is communication and to try and put aside time to rekindle the romance.
- You should not be enjoying sexual pleasure as a single woman: This is also a touchy topic. It is important for a woman to understand how her body works. It is also important that a woman maintain her physical health. That being said, I believe women should wait until marriage to have sex. Meaning, masturbation should be considered healthy if it can be done without pornography or other imagery.
- Wives should always be ready to attend their husbands’ needs: This I absolutely believe is wrong. A woman should always try to be available to her husband and vice-versa as it is in the Bible to help both avoid straying from the marriage bed. But neither should ever feel that they are obligated to perform when they are feeling under the weather or have just had a horrible day. That being said, women, you should self reflect and see if you’re using stress to avoid sex. The best sex is always between two partners who are excited to please each other.
Caught Between Two Cultural Extremes
We live in a time of complete confusion when it comes to sex and all things pertaining to sexual activity. I have a unique perspective in that I look at things from the point of a Christian. But I also approach things from a very scientific point of view and a former non-Christian. Today, sex is being cheapened to the point of having no more value than any other bodily function.
There is a healthy middle ground between the mentality of sex as “dirty” and one of being no more important than a handshake. Whether you’re Christian or not I’m sure you can agree that sex is a way to connect spiritually as well as physically with the man you love. Healthy sex for Christian women is achieved by understanding that God wants us to enjoy intimacy with our spouse. That is why he designed our bodies, minds, and souls the way he did.
Modern culture has devalued sex to the point that its original purpose is lost. It becomes damaging to not only the body but the psyche as well. Treating sex this way is what can have long-lasting effects on a person. And modern sex education courses don’t usually cover the mental ramifications of having sex too early or with anyone other than your spouse.
Why Waiting Until Marriage is Still the Best Idea
I wished I had been a virgin when I married Aaron. I used sex as a way to get whomever I was with to love me. Unfortunately, this never worked. Because there was only the physical act and not the deep emotional connection that happens with a marital relationship. Because of my sexual activity I carried some severe baggage into my marriage. Thankfully I chose a loving and patient man who loved me deeply despite my past. And I, in turn, did the same for him.
Waiting until marriage to have sex can only serve as a benefit to both partners. You avoid not only the dangers of unintended pregnancy, STDs, but also the mental consequences. Waiting until marriage is living Biblically correct as well as showing your future spouse that you respect the sacredness of the marital bed.
Think about it this way. For Christmas, you created this beautiful handmade gift for your husband. It took months to make. And the gift you made is unique to him and one of his favorite hobbies. You give it to him and he kisses you tenderly because it is so thoughtful that you would take the time to give him such a personal gift. And then you give his best friend the exact same gift. Your husband would feel hurt because the gift’s meaning has been lost. Because it really wasn’t something special and unique you gave just to him.
Healthy Sex for Christian Women Q & A
You should never experience pain during sex. There might be some discomfort on occasion for various reasons. But consider a couple of things first. Is it the position that is causing pain? Are you adequately lubricated? If you know these things aren’t the reason and you are still experiencing pain you should make a visit to your doctor.
No. All sexual activity should be consensual. You should communicate with your spouse that you are not comfortable with that activity. He should respect your wishes and not nag you about it. If he continues to bring it up then there is a deeper problem in the marriage and that should be discussed with a pastor or marriage counselor.
Healthy sex for Christian women can include the use of marital aids. But once again it must be about consent between both people in the marriage. It also must be said that there is a limit, BDSM has no real place in a Christian marriage. And sexual aids can be a problem depending on the weaknesses of each partner. Meaning, if there is a history of pornography addiction or sexual abuse prior to marriage. This is something that should involve complete honesty and communication.
I addressed this a little bit above. But honestly, I firmly believe it involves some serious soul searching. I certainly do not think a woman should be giving her husband sex when she’s not in the mood just because he is. You should not feel obligated to give your spouse sex. You should desire to share that intimacy often. But if you are finding that you have no desire to have sex it is usually because of other underlying factors. (I will be addressing this whole topic in-depth in a later post.) I would definitely recommend reading this post from a fellow blogger to get more insight into this issue.
Sex for Christian Women Should be Beautiful and Fun
As women, we should be enjoying the gifts that sex can give us. We shouldn’t feel ashamed of our desire. God created sex to be it’s best when shared between a married couple. After all, marriage is the reflection of God’s love for his church. The ultimate form of connection between two souls is sexual intimacy. Joining with your spouse should feel like your heart might explode with passion and love at any moment during sex. The best sex feels like a journey to the stars and back. And why would you ever want to experience anything but that type of sex?
I want to empower Christian and non-Christian women alike to seek out great sex. And to be able to improve their personal health as well as the health of their marriage. I hope this has helped you. And if you have any concerns or questions you would like me to address please email me at barb@making-it-home.net. I might not have all the answers, but I do know where to get them. All queries will be handled confidentially.
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