After being married to someone for a while, the passion tends to fade. And it can be really difficult to find out how to reconnect with your spouse. This is completely normal. The rush of excitement and emotions when you begin a relationship with someone are part of a process. A process that evolves and changes over time. But it sometimes can feel like you’re falling out of love. So how do you reconnect with your spouse? How do we keep the passion and love in our marriage alive?
The Stages of a Marriage
There is a natural flow of how you develop a relationship with someone. Marriage is a great example of this. You start out interested, sometimes even excited. As the relationship progresses your feelings get stronger. The beginning of a marriage can seem like an exhilarating ride. Then after a couple of years, things begin to mellow. And you grow accustomed to one another. This is when it usually feels like your losing the connection you had when you first got married.
A healthy marriage will make it through these ebbs and flows. But sometimes it can be a struggle. And with others, this is where problems can arise. The health of marriage will usually be tested by this type of cycle. But what can you do to restore the emotional and sometimes physical connection with your spouse? You have to be willing to take the first step in order to figure out how to reconnect with your spouse.
Causes of the Loss of Passion in Marriage
It’s pretty simple, women and men need different things to feel a connection with someone. Both on the physical and emotional level we have different needs to feel appreciated and loved.
What happens to most marriages, is over time we get caught up in our daily life. We allow life to get in the way. Remember when you were first married that if you and your husband were making out, the dishes could just wait? What happened to that? I know I have been guilty of the “I’m too tired” excuse. I even have days when I have to remember if I told my husband I loved him. It’s sad. But you can fix it.
Reconnecting With Your Husband
Knowing that we respond differently to different things is a step towards learning how to reconnect with your spouse. So how as a woman can you understand what your husband needs to connect with you?
Most men respond best to actions. It’s in their nature. What this means is they feel connected to someone if that person has physically demonstrated their feelings. Whether that be by initiating physical contact, taking care of a task that is normally their chore or even just making them a special meal.
Some women would say, “Well, if he’s not going to put in any effort why should I”. Because it’s your marriage not a game of chess. There are many reasons why your spouse might not be making as strong of an effort as he used to. Think about it. How many times have you turned him down for sex? When was the last time you told him how much you appreciate him? Do you go out of your way to make sure he feels like a man? Seriously it’s not a dang game of chicken, take the first step. Put his needs above your own. And I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the response.
- Make his favorite dinner
- Try to be dressed nicely when he gets home from work ( no sweats and dirty t-shirt from college). Putting effort into your appearance means you care not only about yourself but also about how he sees you.
- Initiate sex more often
- Ask him how his day went and really listen to what he has to say, not talking.
- Don’t overwhelm him with questions or talk the minute he gets home from work. Let him decompress for at least 30 min.
- If you have kids, make sure to have time specifically devoted to him during the week.
- Pray and Bible study with your husband
Reconnecting With Your Wife
Women may seem extremely complicated, but we are actually a lot more simplistic than we lead on. The best way to connect with most women is through touch and communication. I know what you’re thinking. And no not that kind of touch. And no you don’t have to have a huge long conversation.
What I mean by touch, is simple physical touch. Try to touch your wife without the anticipation of getting anything out of it. Play with her hair gently, hold her in your arms for a moment, or gently kiss her on the neck or forehead. Basically, treat her like a cat. With the idea, if you pet her too many times, she’ll scratch your eyes out. And you should go into the situation not expecting anything in return. Put her needs above your own, and you may be surprised at the change that happens.
And when I say communication I mean actually listen to her and ask questions about the topic she is discussing. Don’t just nod and grunt. Aaron and I have had some really amazing discussions by actively listening to each other. We even learned some new things about each other in the process.
- Cuddle with her on the couch
- Make dinner for her during the week one night
- Touch her without expecting sex (kiss, embrace, cuddle. etc…)
- Buy her her favorite flowers every once in a while
- Write her a sweet note and leave it somewhere she will find it when she starts her day
- Make her a candlelit bubble bath at the end of the day
- Just hold her when she seems upset
- Take her on a date at least once a week. It doesn’t have to be expensive, just meaningful. Check out some of my inexpensive date ideas in this post.
- Pray and Bible study with your wife.
Below is a video that really breaks down the differences between how men and women think.
Working on Your Marriage
Ultimately when it comes to reconnecting with your spouse you have to realize you will never have the relationship you had when you first got married. You have hopefully grown and changed since then and your relationship has evolved.
The beginning passion of a relationship is there because it is the initial glue that holds you together as a couple. Because let’s face it there’s really not much else yet. You haven’t had a history together where you have strengthened bonds through struggle and strife. You haven’t shared the wonderful blessings that come with life’s many milestones. But over time that passion is replaced with something so much deeper and meaningful. And instead of being like glue it’s more like cement.
You might be surprised that you will once again feel that fluttering of butterflies in your stomach when your husband takes his shirt off to work in the yard. Or the rush of passion you feel seeing your wife wearing a nice dress and that perfume you love. If you follow the tips I have given, these things might be a regular occurrence once again. And you are finally learning how to reconnect with your spouse on a deeper level.
I don’t like saying marriage is work. It is more something that you have to continually nurture. But if given the proper attention and remembering our Biblical roles it can and will stand the test of time. Remember marriage is sacred and it’s really time we started treating it that way again.